I, the paradoxical mess!

 

Hey my mind,

Hey my paradoxical myriad mind,

Of those many I

who is the real one?

At times I can move mountains

At the other, I am in that lowest gutter!

There is a me who travels miles proudly

concealing the shy fool that often lurks beneath.

Another time, there is a coward I, scared and feeble

and then the next, a new I rise like a phoenix whose spirit can never be broken!

One I build a card house, minutely, gingerly, with affection,

The other I stealthily, surreptitiously come to set it to fire,

looking at the pile of ashes with a weird satisfaction.

And then again, one I paint on canvas beautifully, splashing vibrant colours, and

another I calmly destroy the painting with unwavering hands …

And, when I am far away every beat of my soul yearns for you,

and then when I come back to you, I had already left long before!

Hey my mind,

How many 'I' do reside in your house?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEHwpwpHEkY&list=RDLEHwpwpHEkY&index=1

The excitement of aloneness

My solo sojourn in North Bengal … at Sonada in Darjeeling district

To be a traveler is to find yourself. And to be a solo traveler is the scariest yet most liberating experience. 

Despite a lot of apprehension and fear, I set out for my solo trip to North Bengal. To make things odd my flight was at 5.30 a.m. and to catch that I started from home around 3.30 a.m. and that was overwhelming enough to convince me right at the beginning that I don't need to do this at all! However, there is this heady intoxication of a sense of freedom that was already setting in and I kept moving ahead with my plan.

There was no direct flight and the layover was tedious. I landed at Bagdogra airport around 11.30 a.m. and the moment I sat in the cab, driver Denis's huge welcoming smile triggered my sense of happiness. And soon the mountain range, the clear blue sky, and the soothing air started nurturing me,  and I was already looking forward to my tour.

My stay was at Tieedi Forest Garden. They say 'take it easy, easy do it'. Tieedi follows the principles of permaculture and it takes you to the lap of mother nature, making you grounded, humble, and simplistic. My little room along with the adjacent balcony made of mud and wood, overlooking the deep green forest was something with which I fell in love deeply.

The mountains are calling and I must go!

And then the forest spoke to me, whispering, caressing, its innocent wildness pulsating like a new life. The unknown errors of my life merged with the scent of the forest. Trailing clouds, the unassuming flower, the silence of the starry sky, the moss green leaves, and the trickling brook taught me the music of humanity. 

 And hey, your solo trip becomes vibrant with joy if you get to meet your close friend after 8years.

 I went to Darjeeling, and the British aura of the mall and the continental tone of the breakfast at Keventers still can be felt unmistakably. 

By the way, if you wish to taste local cuisine then you must hop into this tiny little joint, nestled amongst the crowded marketplace of the mall for some out-of-the-world Nepali food. 

As Tieedi endorses a waste-free clean environment, I too came back from my tour with cleanliness in my soul. May the forest be with me forever, may the mountain brook be my guide always!

“Then my heart with pleasure fills
And dances with the daffodils.”

 

Reaching out to Ruru, again...

 Hey Ruru,  

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas - I watched the movie on Netflix and then I got hold of the book. And both the times a strange feeling persisted … it is as if there is something that got stuck in my throat - exactly through where I needed to scream, and I choked …. it is as if I am in a room and suddenly I felt this strong urge to run out of it but there was no door but whitewashed walls all around! 

It was not just Hitler or the Nazi Commandant or the gas chamber … it was about faith in humanity being broken … a realization that there are just these 2 classes - the oppressor and the victim, us and the other, the powerful and the feeble, in different forms and types. And it stays, always, everywhere. And this realization, Ruru, has been unnerving … 

'salad bowl', 'melting pot', 'unity in diversity,’ 'equality', 'pluralism' are concepts that are nice to read in books or intoxicating to give a lecture on, in my classes. In reality, we are a broken, divided, selfish, cruel lot … way worse than the animals as we use brainpower and mind to tactfully, deliberately strategize cruelty!

 But I need to live in hope … a hope that makes one feel warm and loved … maybe … someday !

“What exactly was the difference? He wondered to himself. And who decided which people wore the striped pajamas and which people wore the uniforms?”

Home

I do not want a home that's mine

I do not want a room of my own

I just want to move in and move out

a visitor

a stranger

without any worries about the unclean bed

or the dirty verandah

where I can leave the clogged drain

and the cobweb beside the window

without worrying about

the piled up conversations that had touched the ceiling

I need a place

like this soul in my body

alien and strange

the one that never wants to belong!

Happy Poem

 That butterfly fluttering, strutting, 

moved around us, bringing colour.

Despite the mundane

You and I believed in it,

believed it will bring magic

of togetherness and love.

The strange thing about love is

even when you disagree 

you figure out 

how to dance wildly!

Dark poem

 Fear, like a dark slimy thing 

may slip within

making years pile up on the pillow

And then the future would turn into yesterday

and sadness will find you

stalking you at every corner!

Freedom

I have been worried for long.

I worried about 

how you never loved me enough

Is it right to enjoy eating animals

Or how the cake is never baked to perfection

Or how easily you could move on and marry another

Or the car has a punctured tyre

Or how the increment is never up to the mark

And how I cheated upon you

And my wooden trunk with that rusted lock where I stored my half baked dreams

And that imaginary home of longing

Is it right, is it wrong

All those worries ...

And then it rained yesterday

And I wore my old body dipped in a new color of kindness and gratitude 

And I danced in the rain

And I danced in the rain

Like a child

Free

And

Liberated

And I sang too!

#coffeecupandpoetry series

Desire

 A tad salty, a pinch tangy

a whole lot of sugary

alluring layers waiting to melt in my mouth

the tender softness of white skin at the tip of my finger

taste buds tingling desperately to savour 

a death by delight.

As I bent down to see the triangular shape

that cheesecake on my plate

is way more desirous than that First Apple!

I, the resplendent Eve, 

do not need the serpent’s temptation

as those intense cheesy layers 

with the dash of that caramel adventure

and my eager tongue

O purest joy, and

my craving for oneness!

Sitting across, I couldn’t tell you that 

I wanted it all

despite calorie count and repeated

"no, it’s yours, you, please have it all ... oh no, I don't want it" -

and you smile and believe me, and candidly pop in a chunk. 

I watched you toss it in your mouth, eyes closed in satisfaction

oblivious about the flash of hatred chilling down my spine!

How easy it is to pretend and hide that roughest, insane desire!

That Old Love Story

 

Today again I woke up with you in my head

My brain humming with your drumming laughter

I hear a cracking sound as you open the door and come in

My veins are filled with your warmth

The silence within me is vibrating with your seeking

The fireflies between my fingers glowing warm, again …

 

And I knew, given a chance

I will love you all over again

And, I will betray you the same too…

 

#coffeecupandpoetry series

Eerie poem

 A drumbeat goes on in the head

and a nagging slow wailing of mourners

humming in my blood vessels 

there's a burial  in my head

I see the sound of silence as your face moves

swinging in the motion of the coffin carried by men

your feet, pale and dark, outside that white shroud, familiar!

as I sit beside the fireplace, sipping wine

I don't see you standing behind the curtain

watching over me

you were not there yesterday

even today you are not there

and I wish you would go away

that crawling shadow 

and a sudden chill in the room

you were not there yesterday

Again today you are not there

and I wish you would go away

a strange silhouette taking shape, like yours

a sudden stench of death in the room

and I struggle to peep into your eyes in the darkness,

to check

whether they hold the same shock

like that day

when I lightly pushed you to death from the terrace floor.

Coffee Cup and Poetry series

 1. 

Sadness is both of you sitting at the farthest corners, engrossed watching a love story

Sadness is closing your eyes, counting till 10, hoping for the phone call at the end of the count 

Sadness is the stubborn square mark on the wall even after the photo frame is removed

Sadness is you build a night, warm ember flecks seething, but instead end up piling words flung carelessly at each other

Sadness is when a poem is entangled in the chest like a butterfly yet when you pen it down there's this same dampness between its alleys

No not sadness, a quietness has taken over

A quietness waiting for another beginning

Let it be!

***

2. 

Between my shadow and the soul

I had thrown a few seeds 

and now it has grown into a tree!

Its roots crawling into me

like a stubborn childhood

branches taking shapes

wrapping around gingerly like a lover's arm,

and a nagging cricket hum, 

as real as the darkness of a rice-pot in a poor man's hut!

And I continue to pretend to be free.

***

3

With age, it's getting easier to delete.

I have deleted nostalgia, the embarrassment of memory.

I've deleted those lakes, trees, and the aroma of tea.

Receipt of the funeral ticket, condolence messages are deleted too.

Also, to delete the warmth, those breakfasts and the rides together, with age it's getting easier!

Only thing is, it would have been easier still, if the Sun isn't deleted too!