It was my birthday.
As I crossed and reached the other side of 50 among all the warmth and love and wishes, I become grateful yet contemplative (as always.
Even in my childhood days my sister’s school friends used to ask her, to quote
them verbatim, why I always wear ‘a gyani buddha’ expression! ). I suffer from
a peculiar seasonal sadness that has nothing to do with my real life existence.
As I continue to cherish a strange joyous ecstasy with a weird deep rooted melancholia, I
begin to wonder about the binaries and paradoxes that I live and think in.
I keep protesting against comments like ‘Girls, you should always walk
in groups’ questioning if ‘aklaa chalo re’ is only for boys! But, it is taking
me months to make up my mind before I venture out for my solo trips and tours,
something that I intend to pursue as I know this will liberate my soul. As I am
constantly reaching out to friends, acquaintances (at the risk of being
repetitive and hence boring) expecting them to convince me that it’s safe to
travel alone, I keep struggling through my fear and paranoia.
Another one is when I take pride in the fact that I am aging
gracefully, yet every alternate month I postpone my plan of not using hair-colour
to cover up my greys. Also, I just can’t suppress my thrill when people say
Gosh, you don’t look your age at all! :-P
Increasingly, I feel uncomfortable among my age group. Most
often I find their way of thinking as odd and weird. I relate to the millenial and the Gen Zee more easily, and comfortably, yet my boomer-self needs a 'print-out' of the flight ticket :-). I guess my religious/spiritual orientation could be a
reason behind making me feel out-of-place most of the time. Despite being a happy Hindu, most often I get bored with
rituals. My most favorite people and pillars of strength have been Nilima
Khatun, Yusuf, Aayub, and Yasmin. I have enjoyed Eid along with them to my
heart’s content and allowed them to touch me ‘thakurer ashon’ (the tiny temple
at home) without batting an eyelid. And I have continued to be extremely uneasy
among people who squirmed at the prospect of anyone from other caste or other
religion touching our God. And I do not know whether I am right or wrong but I
have no intention to change even a minute bit.
Again, usually, I am the most practical one around but it
takes just one bout of rainfall or a whiff of petrichor to transform me into Alice in the
true sense of the character.
As I continue to remain grateful to all who like me,
love me, accept me despite my odd paradoxes; as I continue to nurture an
exuberant, sensuous 25 year old mind within a not-so-young body; I keep living
life, happily, among my paradoxes, (though It may be a headache for those who
are close to me). I am in no hurry to
bridge those differences or gaps. I have learnt to trust them, to allow them to
do their quiet, subterranean work. Meanwhile my pursuit to evolve and grow as a
human being continues…
No comments:
Post a Comment