I love to talk - 1

Subdued way of self discovery


I realize that my tryst and experiments with my writing is nothing other than my path towards self discovery. I have tried to live up to expectations so bad always that in the process I lost the real 'me' somewhere in the complex layers, knots and tangles of relationships. Today when I look back I really wonder if it has been worth it! But then Could I really blame anyone for this? Has it been always others or is it also my need to be 'good and perfect' all through? Perhaps it is just a need to be loved and wanted! I am not sure. Now I search my real self through my writings and may be through this journey, someday, somewhere I would pick up the shreds and pieces of my soul from a certain sea beach or from an unknown mountain valley and knit or rejoin them up like an expert weaver to make the real 'myself'. Or perhaps I will accumulate all the solitary strokes on different canvases and make a beautiful collage out of those 365 and many more such strokes and among those myriad shades and hues I would be able to find the lost me! You know, I envy all you guys who keep telling me so confidently, at times even with a smug pleasure that  good or bad, life has just been an experience and you guys do not regret anything at all! I wish I could say that too, with equal sense of superiority that I often see reflecting in your eyes. But the reality is I have so much to regret, so much to repent. So many known and unknown errors! A pity indeed! But the funniest part is most of my errors are because I have tried to live up to the teachings of Mom instilled within at a very early age. But what I understand is that I will not be able to find the 'lost me' in any kind of Utopian world. On the contrary, I would have to search among these familiar hurt and tear drops, along the path of my mistakes, in the nook and corner of this pandemonium where we all lose us and yet someday sometime find ourselves all over again.
:)