Thursday, August 12, 2010

self - identity ...

The morning had a bad start. Everything around was bearing a gloomy upsetting tinge like small tragedies in life or those hair line cracks in a relationship. Even the weather matched my mood. As I looked at the overcast sulking sky I could feel the plight of the staggering Sun peeping now and then through broken clouds. I clasped the coffee mug even tighter in my palm as if to feel that I did have someone as my own in this world. Even my facial muscles started hurting with loneliness. My mind whipped about in a mad spinning, fluctuating from fantasy to reality.

At times like this I start visualizing myself as a beautiful princess who lived in the palace of snakes. This is the way I love to see myself; a woman radiant with laughter, with her burnished curls creating a halo around her face, waiting for a promising future, too excited and eager to start afresh. Perhaps, this is how I should have looked if the world had been more kind! And then I remember those stray grey strands that started showing up for the past few months and I smile. I realize, this is the time when you begin to think of lying about something very basic as your age, this is the time when you keep thanking God profusely for giving you a satin smooth skin and a vibrant infectious smile even if you so much as dream of starting afresh! My smile broadens into a grin. Forty long years on this Earth; forty long years of compromises, adjustments, bargain and survival! Each single moment is bathed and nurtured by tears, patience, sweat and persistence. Each pulsating second is myself! I glance back and stay mesmerized and amazed at my own strength and power! I understand how I wouldn't let go of any minute tick of the past, beacuse that's who I am! Suddenly, I see myself in an existence honest, iridescent and shimmering as my frosted white nail polish. My chin goes up automatically. There is a tindery smell of stubbornness around me. A parrot green and purple mixed obstinacy and doggedness begin to run firm in my veins. I look up. it has started raining!

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